[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
You Might Also Like
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.