[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to