tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Owl Sanctuary
house sitting!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.