[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Good point.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.