tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder