TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please