[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Stop it! 😂
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines