Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.


Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”


hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore


“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”


“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.


“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*


Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.


Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.


War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.