Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.