*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
HOW DARE YOU
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open