tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My love language is deader than Latin
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
2 years later
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.