Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.