@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

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@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive