Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
peeping toms
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower