@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

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@HatfieldAnne

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

@xunglam

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

@weinerdog4life

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

@GarrettCake

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

@SirEviscerate

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

@_TayTayJustine

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

@bonehugsnirony

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*