Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”