@felixoshea

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

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@Andee_Stewart

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

@Shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@ceejoyner

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

@DartsBofficial

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

@LeahsLounge

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@maryfairybobrry

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude