Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.