Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
SPLOOT
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Festive toon…
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.