TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
wait.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
finally found a reasonable question
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.