Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.