*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
PARKOUR
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.