Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
You Might Also Like
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Happy birthday to all the women
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
What is going on? 😅
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.