Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide