Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.