Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.