Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You Might Also Like
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
how was your vacation