Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
You Might Also Like
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.