Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime