@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

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@ch000ch

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@hythemafia

There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs:
~ 5% liked the look
~ 15% liked the feel
~ 80% liked the silence

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@ilovepie84

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.