Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it


How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs:
~ 5% liked the look
~ 15% liked the feel
~ 80% liked the silence


If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.


Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.