Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me buying fruit and veg
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Weirdos gonna weird.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days