Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
For the ones in the back.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
White parent Vs Arab parents
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
just having fun
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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What a kind woman! 😂😂