tis the season
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.