tis the season
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Who does Amazon think I am?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.