Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
They did not miss in the small print
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’