Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
This made me chuckle.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Fiction has to make sense.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this