TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
i’m still crying at this
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.