Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
bury ourselves
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[eats all your cotton candy]
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”