Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!


Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

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I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”


Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.


white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages


[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.


If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in


When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”


Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.