Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
So creative 😂
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.