#titanic
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Aight bet
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that