[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
PARKOUR
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom