TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.