[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Never forget.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I think they could have phrased this better
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser