@ozzyunc
@ClickBaite [Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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@ClickBaite 
@shaun__gunner When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
@DaddyBeerGuy Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
@KeetPotato advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
@daemonic3 “Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
@lmwortho You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
@WilliamAder I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
@PickleRudd Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
@StevieKnip Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
@timdonakowski “You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend