To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
fixed it
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.