@ozzyunc

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

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@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@lmwortho

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@PickleRudd

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

@StevieKnip

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?