To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.