To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I have questions??
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.