To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Oh. My. God.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it