To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
You Might Also Like
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
did it work
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.