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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs