To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
three things we don’t talk about
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.