To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
happy mother’s day❤️
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
just pretend nothing happened
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.