To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?