To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m not lazy
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please