To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Meow
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?