To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.