[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
It’s a gift
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Huge, if true.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Geez man, take it easy.