To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
🍞🦆
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!