To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
everyone has that one prude friend
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.